so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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