apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
