john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
