Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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