Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
