Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
