So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
