A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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