i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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