The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
True college students do jello shots in the library
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
