I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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