Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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