it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
