one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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