how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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