just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
