dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
