do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
