Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
