That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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