My girlfriend figured out who you are.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
They took my balls.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
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I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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