thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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