my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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