**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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