Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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