If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
