Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
