tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
