Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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