She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
