I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
