How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
