I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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