I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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