I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're a waste of cheezeits
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
