apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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