gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize