I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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