Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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