last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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