and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
