oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
