am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
