Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Welp...herpes.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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