I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
3 2 1 whiskey
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?