a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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