based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
