I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
