Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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