I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
