if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
