im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
