I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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