Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
